Enough, Already!

So last night I took my children out to eat in order to celebrate the oldest child's last day of high school. Things didn't go well. At some point there was a threat to drop someone off and make them walk the rest of the way home, and a counter-threat/dare to jump out of the car themselves because they would gladly walk home. There were also accusations of ingratitude by children who at one time were composed entirely of material derived from their mother's being - which could in some other circumstances be termed "parasitism." This pronouncement was followed by some rolling of the eyes and whispered murmurs by siblings about "adjusting her medication."

After we finally got to the restaurant, I attempted to make conversation by asking Rosie how her birthday gift of body lotions and gels were working out. She told me that she believed that the lotions were making her break out. Ben then asked if she was using the lotions on her face, and it was on.

Everyone behaved badly. I told Ben that if he didn't break down and let me be his Facebook friend I was going to make all of his friends my friends and post a picture of him in drag. I was teasing him of course, but he actually got tears in his eyes, and I believe that he would have cursed me if he had dared.

Then Rosie told me that she didn't want to hear any more from me about Facebook, that I was obsessed and making myself ridiculous, and I that I didn't understand anything about Facebook or its etiquette.

There were recriminations over cookies which had been baked and taken to school and manifestly not shared with family, and an unpleasant discussion of Benjamin's college options if his grades did not significantly improve. I asked him why he didn't seem to be at all worried, and he leaned across the table and whispered, "I'm Black." Then it was really on.

We degenerated to the point where Rosie was screaming, "In three months I'll be gone and I won't have to deal with you people anymore!" Why wait three months, I was thinking, you could simply move in with your father right now. But I kept my mouth shut.

Fortunately, by the end of a very edgy evening I had re-established my intellectual and popular-culture superiority by successfully guessing the occupant of the coffin on "Lost." "How did you know?" they whined. "It was obvious from the clues," I told them. "Really, you guys should pay attention."

They permitted me to kiss them good night, and tuck them into bed. Their father is watching them tonight, so I'll be given the opportunity to miss them a little bit before it all starts again.