Sarah Palin - WTF?!?

Wow.

This reminds me that my children are probably unaware of the meaning of the phrase "Hail Mary pass." I'll take this opportunity to define it for them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hail_Mary_pass

What was he thinking?

I am a black woman who has listened to all kinds of criticism of affirmative action (usually from Republicans), and as I understand it, they most object to moving unqualified people to the front of the line based on their race and/or gender. This is a stunning example of the very, very worst form of affirmative action. This choice offends me so much on so many levels. This lady is thin-skinned (loyalty tests), irrational (Creationism in schools), anti-environmentalist (polar bears should not be considered an endangered species, despite strong evidence of their peril), clearly illogical (promoting abstinence-only sex education, despite that policy's personally evident poor results), and deceptive (saying that she is against earmarks, despite having hired a lobbyist to score millions in earmarks for her small city).

Wow.

By the way, in case anyone else doubts the endangered status of polar bears, here is a link to one of my favorite pages ever: http://www.squidoo.com/polarbearaware The bears' situation is absolutely heart-wrenching.

Countdown to Launch

So this is Rosie's last night at home - her Dad's house, not mine. She has to know that we love her, because my ex and I are planning to share the same automobile for about sixteen hours, all told. Rosie is swinging between clinging and being a snot to me, and I spend an unhealthy amount of time worrying about spontaneous human combustion - mine.

Honestly, it doesn't seem beyond the realm of possibility that I could simply burst into flames. When she got her driver's license I had to wait until I had finished throwing up before I could take her to the DMV.

Ben is going to stay home alone with the dog. God bless the boy, he didn't realize that deleting the browser history was a red flag to his mother about possible porn site visitation. He didn't admit to any wrongdoing and he promised he wouldn't do it again. Sigh.

Online Adventures

Okay, friends, I have decided that I am going to make this internet thing work for me. If I can figure it out, that is. One of my more unsuccessful adventures was with paid email, particularly a site called SendEarnings. If you want to know exactly how that train wreck occurred, please check out the following site: www.squidoo.com/SendEarningsReviewed




The site which has been working for me is http://www.sweetprofitsfromhome.com/. Email me if you want any information about it.

Enough, Already!

So last night I took my children out to eat in order to celebrate the oldest child's last day of high school. Things didn't go well. At some point there was a threat to drop someone off and make them walk the rest of the way home, and a counter-threat/dare to jump out of the car themselves because they would gladly walk home. There were also accusations of ingratitude by children who at one time were composed entirely of material derived from their mother's being - which could in some other circumstances be termed "parasitism." This pronouncement was followed by some rolling of the eyes and whispered murmurs by siblings about "adjusting her medication."

After we finally got to the restaurant, I attempted to make conversation by asking Rosie how her birthday gift of body lotions and gels were working out. She told me that she believed that the lotions were making her break out. Ben then asked if she was using the lotions on her face, and it was on.

Everyone behaved badly. I told Ben that if he didn't break down and let me be his Facebook friend I was going to make all of his friends my friends and post a picture of him in drag. I was teasing him of course, but he actually got tears in his eyes, and I believe that he would have cursed me if he had dared.

Then Rosie told me that she didn't want to hear any more from me about Facebook, that I was obsessed and making myself ridiculous, and I that I didn't understand anything about Facebook or its etiquette.

There were recriminations over cookies which had been baked and taken to school and manifestly not shared with family, and an unpleasant discussion of Benjamin's college options if his grades did not significantly improve. I asked him why he didn't seem to be at all worried, and he leaned across the table and whispered, "I'm Black." Then it was really on.

We degenerated to the point where Rosie was screaming, "In three months I'll be gone and I won't have to deal with you people anymore!" Why wait three months, I was thinking, you could simply move in with your father right now. But I kept my mouth shut.

Fortunately, by the end of a very edgy evening I had re-established my intellectual and popular-culture superiority by successfully guessing the occupant of the coffin on "Lost." "How did you know?" they whined. "It was obvious from the clues," I told them. "Really, you guys should pay attention."

They permitted me to kiss them good night, and tuck them into bed. Their father is watching them tonight, so I'll be given the opportunity to miss them a little bit before it all starts again.

Why do I even bother?

A very recent conversation, again with a sixteen-year-old boy:

"Did you eat dinner?"

"Yeah."

"What did you eat?"

"The roast beef you left for me."

"Where's your plate?"

"I washed it."

"Maybe so, but not in this lifetime. Let's start the conversation again..."

Sweet Revenge

For all of you beknighted parents out there, I have a great way for you to turn the tables on your teenager. If they insist on tuning the channel to their station when you're in the car, listen carefully to the dreck that issues forth. Then, after you have memorized the most objectionable items, sing them as you work around the house.

Trust me, when your sixteen-year-old hears your soprano belting out the words "She turned around and gave that big booty a slap," it just might make their head explode. At the very least, it will cause them to keep you as far away from their music as possible in the future.

Happy to be of service!

Hamburger Recipe

Following is my famous secret recipe for delicious hamburgers: Throw some meat into a metal bowl. Add varying amounts of grated parmesan cheese, barbecue sauce, freshly ground pepper, not too much mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and some garlic powder. Then take a boy-child, insist that he wash his hands, and give him the pleasure of mushing it all up. The hamburgers must be served with chocolate milkshakes involving a few strawberries, some banana, a little vanilla extract and some malted milk powder. If you can't find a boy-child of your own, let me know; sometimes I am quite willing to lend mine out for a while.

IRS IOU

About a month and a half ago I got a notice from the IRS that they had not received my 2002 taxes; could I please send them in? This was worrisome, since I had, counter to my usual dilatory and disorganized behavior, actually filed my 2002 taxes. What could be going on? I reacted like a prey animal under threat, but not the kind that runs. Rather, I balled up in a corner and hoped not to be noticed. Maybe they would go away.

A week ago I got another letter from the IRS, and panicked. I took the letter to work with me all week, but never opened it until Saturday. Then I almost laughed with relief. I owed them $96.45 on my 2002 taxes; could I send a check?

I mentioned to my daughter that within two weeks the IRS had lost and then found my taxes. Perhaps they have a paperwork tracking system like my own?

Right, she said. Maybe they have a large china cabinet, and when company is coming they sweep all of the papers off of the dining room table and jam them into the cabinet and force the doors shut, ensuring that they will subsequently be unable to find anything for at least two weeks.

I hadn’t meant to carry the metaphor that far, but it is an intriguing picture of government agency as frazzled working housewife…

The 86-Year-Old Terrorist

I work in a financial services office. One of my bosses' elderly clients sent a $35 money order in to her account, and it was returned to us for the following reason: Per the USA Patriot Act the following monetary instruments are no longer accepted: Money Orders, Cashier checks, Traveler's Checks, and Bank Drafts.

Apparently she is going to have to pay $5 for a bank check, and then write a letter indicating where she got the money - was it from Social Security? A gift, perhaps? Is the icy wind which is raising the libertarian hairs on the back of my neck only felt by me?

It is fascinating to me that Republicans style themselves to be against government regulation when that is clearly not the case. I live in Illinois, where we may soon have a black male senator - Barack Obama. Now the Republicans in the state are fronting their own black man, Alan Keyes. The white guy in my office thinks that Keyes is very cool - you can stay Republican while at the same time feeling progressive by voting for a black man.

I turned to his official website to see how Mr. Keyes justifies running for senate in a state in which he has never lived. Instead of speaking authoritatively about how he would address any of the challenges which face Illinois, Mr. Keyes pretty much says that he is compelled to run because Obama is a baby-killer. The following link is to Mr. Keyes' coyly sickening announcement speech: http://www.renewamerica.us/archives/speeches/04_08_08illinois_announce.htm

I'm so glad that the Republicans are here to protect us from alleged Democratic baby-killers and octogenarian money-launderers. Knowing that I can count on them, I feel my personal threat level moving from Code Magenta all the way down to the warm and fuzzy Code Goldenrod.

Accidental Poetry

About two years ago I suddenly began hiccuping poetry. The following is my first poem, written for the brilliant but hygiene-challenged English English professor for whom I pined in my twenties.


Love Stinks

My nose is lonely for your scent;
if you had washed more often, I probably
wouldn’t miss you at all.

The Salt Mines

Well, friends, I have needed to do something in order to express myself. I was unemployed for about a year, and I started a new job in the middle of July.

I am alone in an office where everyone has quit, and apparently it is my job to recruit their replacements. I have a 27-year-old assistant who resents me, sabotages my work, and laughs long and hard whenever I make a mistake; a remote manager who has never provided any training but who calls me periodically to yell at me for forgetting to do things that I was never told to do; and an on-site manager who hates my remote boss so much that he orders me to do the opposite of everything my boss tells me to do. These guys can't even agree on when my workday starts - remote guy says 8 a.m., onsite guy doesn't want me there until 9.

It is now the middle of August. My stomach always hurts, my right eye has begun to twitch, and I periodically distress my children by bursting into tears. Whether or not anyone reads these postings, I hope that they will serve as a safety valve until I figure a way out of this mess.